Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Misery Loves Company...except when lonely is better.

It's scary to wake up one day when you're 35 and realize that your life is 1/3 or more 'over'....scarier still to wake up when you're 35 and realize that at 35, you've yet to find true 'peace and happiness' in your life...MUCH scarier still to wonder if in fact you ever will...
Most of my blog posts are or have been pretty 'normal'...short snippits about where to find what; how to do this or that...nothing with any 'meat on the bones' content I guess...
most people are afraid to put themselves out there to the world and be ripped apart equally by fans or critics or 'followers'...but since I don't have very many followers as of yet; I suppose that, for now; I'll just have to take my chances and let the chips fall where they may.
I'm 35. A mom of 4 biological children and 2 step children. A wife. And a full time manager of someone else's company.
I'm 35 and I don't want to be 35. I never wanted children (truth be  known) and I'm despairingly miserable in my marriage. I'm intelligent and driven and constantly wonder why I'm managing someone else's company and not my OWN. At 35, I  feel totally and completely swallowed up in my life. This isn't a pity party...just a fact; self realization and 100% honesty let me say that my life and all that 's wrong with it is completely my own fault.
Still; as a 35 year old woman; I fantasize about something better; something 'more'; and wonder if it's 'too late' for me....and I wonder how many other women out there (and men too?) wonder the same thing...
regret the choices they made...or realize that life has swept them up in a current too strong to swim against and left them with no options....
I've been married twice now...the first time was a TOTAL mistake; but when you're pregnant at 15; there really doesn't seem to be many open roads for you when you don't have an accepting family...so there is strike one for me...lol.
Met a great guy and fell in love 'once upon a time' about 13 years ago now...but he decided to begin a journey down a different path than me regarding religion/spirituality; diet; parenting; politics and just about everything else and I just don't know who I'm waking up beside of anymore...I'm married to a stranger that I loved once; a long time ago; but I just don't know who he is anymore....if that makes sense?
Not that I expect anyone out there to really read this or relate...or maybe I do?....
I guess somehow it just makes it easier to cope with it all to put it down onto a screen where I can actually SEE how I feel inside; and say the things that my heart WANTS to say but that my voice can't find the courage to...

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